The Diary of a Juice Detox

Day before:

Well I got talked into doing a 3 day juice detox didn’t I! Gullible me. My vegan bestie dropped over her juicer and book and pranced off to Glastonbury for a long weekend – hmm wonder if I’ll have as much energy as her? Glowing skin, no constipation, flatter tummy, feel like I’m doing my insides good? Er! The biggest question: can I hack it? I’m the time of person that HAS to eat the chocolate/crisps/sweets/biscuits/ice cream if they are open. “Out of the house and out of the mind!” (In my tummy and I’m not sharing) So how the hell am I just going to drink juice for 3 days and no food? I’m fricking starving thinking about it! 

Night before:

I’ve never bought so much fruit and veg for a weeks worth of shopping let alone 3 days!! Beetroot, spinach and broccoli stem? 🤢 who buys this shit? It’s overwhelming. The juices sound bloody horrible, but I’m keen to try it! Plus it totally suits my lazy lifestyle – no lunch box prep as I can make the night before! 👍🏼

Making them is quite therapeutic. Roughly chop fruit and veg, shove into juicer and ta da! Whole meal done!

Day 1

No cup of tea for me! How am I going to survive? I mean hot water and lemon slice can’t do the job of caffeine! I actually (sadly) urged after every 3rd mouthful. Geeze! By the time I get to work it’s breakfast time. Breakfast juice isn’t so bad! Definitely filling, how can fruit and veg water be filling? I’m feeling rather odd! Post breakfast juice and I have a headache, the only solids I’ll be consuming today are paracetamol. What have I let myself in for? 

Lunch time juice is more like a shot and I’m done in 7 gulps! Now I’m feeling like I’m achieving something! I am almost proud of myself, I know I’m well sad! Next up shall I try wheatgrass? Erm, nah!

Yoga with a really watery juice which actually tastes nice 👍🏼 bonus! However tea time was rank, spinach in a drink is disgusting! I have to hold my nose to get it down me. Surprisingly still not hungry, still have headache! Maybe I should eat something – no!!! Walk the pup, ah that’s better! (Picture of Benny our spangold retriever pup)

Prepped all tomorrows drinks, I have used all my water bottles and 2 of the monsters munchkin 360’s 😂 I’m gonna be so freaking cool at work tomorrow. Shattered! 

Day 2

How does this feel like routine? Lemon and water isn’t too bad – I could do this every morning! That would be healthier than a cuppa and biscuits. Ah I’m so motivated. Breakfast juice is consumed quite easily and in the car so the fluorescent green 360 doesn’t need to come to a meeting with me – embarrassing colleague alerts! Still have head ache.

Lunch time is vile! It’s a big flask of green lumpy pond water. Worse still there’s a free lunch going, ignore the  prompts to get a plate swish down the pond water. People are aware of the detox and are purposely eating cake in my face! More paracetamol consumed and a pat on the back for resisting temptation. Winner winner liquid dinner 👍🏼

Hmm…another juicy water, no problem with that one! Some of my colleagues ask if I’m peeing for England? Nope. If all that fruit is giving me the runs? Nope. (I work in health care – we can’t have a conversation without poo popping up somewhere!) I’m not hungry still, this is very weird! But there are 5 left over banana chips that I devour without even realising. Dammit! I’ve failed!!! Woe is me! No one saw, it doesn’t count right? 

Tea time again is fucking horrible. Why, when you are most likely to cave do you have to drink the most disgusting glass of masticated veg and fruit? I’ve still got a headache and still popping painkillers like that’s all that’s keeping me alive right now! Why did I do this again??

Early to bed as the husband is cooking his dinner, plus love island is on 🙌🏼 

Day 3

Who am I? Why am I not wasted away? Is my body actually tolerating this? Hot water and lemon goes down a treat then bam – biscuit craving goes balmy! I have to leave the room! 

I’ve got more juices today to drink than the last few. So have stolen a few more cups from the child’s draw. Paw patrol to the rescue! I feel I need it today. Headache still hanging on in there. I ran out of half my ingredients making today’s juices, so the breakfast one does not go down well! I tip half away when I get to work, ooops! 

Juicy water saves the day! Keeps my first hunger pang away. Horay for beetroot and lemon juice 😂 never thought I’d say that an mean it! 

Lunch is just as vile as breakfast, with added spinach, oh god I think I might throw this back up 🤢 why is there cake in the office? I am beginning to feel wishy washy, zapped of energy completely. Must stay awake! Bad news: My headache is actually caffeine withdrawal – whatttttt???? 

Another juicy water! However I feel like I have doubled my body water content, I don’t think I can actually fit this in; or have the energy to lift the bottle to my face 😳. Shit has got real. 

I have a nap on the sofa when I get home! Wtf? I literally can only just manage to drag myself around the house. Tea time juice is so rank I don’t drink it. I think I’m in the hangry stage! I’m so shattered I can’t rage, I just flop on the sofa wishing for my bedtime. However I am so excited about food tomorrow! I’m trying to plan breakfast. Fuck it I’m having a cup of tea and a biscuit. I need the energy to get up the stairs to bed don’t you know? 😂 why is my tea disappointing? Ew! I can’t drink it. Definitely need my bed! 

Day after!

I survived! And when I step on the scales and see the numbers 6 less than before I know why I’m so bloody shattered! Was it worth it? Perhaps. Would I do it again? Perhaps for 2 days. I do feel like my tummy has had a spa treatment. I think my skin is clearer (the suntan might help too – I love a heatwave!) and my middle feels lighter, does that make sense? 

So my planned breakfast was replaced by honey on toast, my cuppa was still rank – so I haven’t had another yet today. I think my stomach went into shock as I had some mega cramping after. I’m lying in bed (watching glasto!) and I haven’t snacked at all today, eaten smaller portions and drank more water. I’ve felt super shattered still but…yeah I’m going to do it again this year.

What’s the betting I’ve put on those 6lbs by the morning? 


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