And breathe!

I write a lot about my little monster (because he’s so damn hilarious), I don’t tend to write so much about the monster that’s lurking in my head! This is probably because I know that there’s a chance people might know me and be reading. You see I’m quite a private person really, I’m not someone who would shout anything from a rooftop, more likely to write a text and delete it then file it in the back of my mind somewhere. But the whole reason I’m blogging is to share awareness and get what’s in my head out. I find these posts easier to write after my bad times have well and truest cleared; so I’m writing now as I’ve had a couple of ‘bad’ days this week. My bad days are by no means horrendous, there are so many people out there a hell of a lot worse than me, in fact they’d probably be very willing to swap bad days with me! But this is how things go for me.

My bad days normally arrive unannounced, with a full suitcase packed for an unexpected mini break – think coach trip rather than business class flight. “Hello I’m here for you’re  trip to sadness ville in no hope land leaving immediately”. Fucks sake.

I feel like a stroppy teenager every single time, I have an silent issue with everyone, a snappy ‘I give up’ attitude. If I could spend the day sat in one spot, not moving, not talking, not listening, just staring at one thing, I would. I see the bad side of everything, if there’s no bad side my head will make one up; and replay it over and over again, it makes it feel real; ta da there’s a bad side. I’ve described it before as something that has hold of you, holding you back, unable to shake off it’s grip, the longer the stay the harder the journey back. This time there were some inappropriate thoughts, the type everyone has – swerving car, walking on a busy road, drinking to oblivion – you’re in a place that would probably be dangerous. No I’m not needing psychiatric help, for me there’s no reality to those thoughts. Hell no! It’s all it is, a brief pop into your head. 

It’s exhausting. Really exhausting. You can’t focus on anything else. You don’t hear conversation, you don’t speak, you don’t observe anything how you normally would. Everything is shrouded in impossiblity and lost it’s appeal. No one treats you right, says the right things or makes that effort to bring you back to normality. They are the most lonely times when you aren’t actually alone. Things don’t make sense and it doesn’t matter. You’ve got a fabulous toddler trying to make you happy, there’s a whole new blanket of misery right there! Self doubt, questions, distorted reality, anxiety. Rock bottom, nearly.

Then as soon as it arrives it is gone! Before you know it you are back to normal, your little visitor has got up and gone, no trace. Just emptiness, a vacant feeling from the last few days, your mind has already shut that out. It’s exhausting getting back to yourself. Patching up all the little things, replying to messages, apologising to people, washing your hair! It’s astonishing how everything can change in those couple of days and then switch back just as quickly. However if you asked if I was ok during these bad days I’d still smile and say I was fine. 

Now I have written this I’ll be able to let go of this episode, I’ll allow myself to have no recollection of the most recent visit. It feels a long time ago. I’m me for a few more weeks, just how I want it. 

Remember life’s to short to judge anyone, be nice, you don’t know what battles people are fighting inside. ❤️